


Heavenly Bodies

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Black Comedy, Boys Kissing, Crack, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, Multi, Romance, Slash, Supernatural - Freeform, Universe Alteration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-23 12:34:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2547656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Universe Alteration fic in which Butters takes Pip's place in 201. After Butters gets killed by Barbra Streisand, Cartman kills himself, but the journey to reuniting with Butters is far longer than he thought. Meanwhile, Satan finds a soulmate, but this suitor isn't exactly what he seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heavenly Bodies

**Author's Note:**

> This is a UA fic where instead of Pip, Butters dies in 201. Keep in mind that no, I'm not writing this story because I hate Butters. I don't hate Butters. In fact, he's one of my favorite characters on the show! I'm just experimenting with universe alterations and this particular plot came to me one day during history class. I do, however, hate Ted Nugent, and that's why... you know what, I'm not going to spoil it. I'm just going to say this fic is a little bit of wish fulfillment in that aspect.
> 
> This fic gets sad in my opinion, so keep tissues nearby. I cried while writing it, in fact. Yes, I cried while writing this fanfiction that involves humor about bodily functions and a relationship between Satan and Ted Nugent.
> 
> Any constructive criticism or affirming praise is incredibly welcome and always appreciated!
> 
> P.S. I do not own any of the songs I will inevitably quote in this fanfic. I am not anti-anything, I'm just trying to keep everyone in character this time around.
> 
> And yes, the title is ironic.

Butters Stotch stood in the middle of the street, blonde hair all catawumpus, waving his arms around. "P-Please, Ms. Streisand... I just want things to go back to the way they were. It wasn't my idea to bring... well, I can't say his name... the... the prophet... I wasn't the one who wanted to drag him into this whole mess."

Mecha-Streisand angrily queefed on Butters. He gagged, collapsing onto the pavement.

"Oh-oh, jeez, Ms. Streisand... please don't step on any fellas..."

Mecha-Streisand's foot came down onto Butters, instantly crushing him to death. Her next step led to Ted Nugent's demise, but she didn't care. She sensed the coming of... Neil Diamond.

Butters and Ted were floating in oblivion, ambiguous sets of wings on their backs. Ted gazed at Butters... but then realized Butters was male, vomited, shat himself, and killed a large deer. Finally, they landed on a golden platform and God appeared in the form of a hippo-bear thing. "WHERE..." he asked the pair, "DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? I am the LORD."

Ted sprang up. "OH, GOD! I KNOW THIS ONE! I'm goin' straight to heaven, cuz I dun believed in yer son's hulliness!"

God shook his hippo-bear head. "NO, NO, TED. FOR COMMITING ADULTERY WITH LITTLE GIRLS IS A SIN, AND IT ALSO MAKES YOU A SICKFUCK. YOU ARE GOING... STRAIGHT TO HELL. I am the LORD." The platform dropped out from under The Nuge's feet and he plunged into hell immediately. God whispered to Butters, "HE NEVER WAS A SMART ONE. I am the LORD."

"God," Butters asked, "where am I goin'?"

God looked at Butters. Despite being a devotedly Catholic, innocent little boy, Butters' hard drive wasn't running the most recent version of Christianity.

"I'M SORRY TO TELL YOU THIS, LITTLE LEOPOLD, BUT YOU ARE GOING... TO HELL FOR NOT BEING MORMON. I am the LORD."

As soon as Cartman burst through the doors of the laboratory, Linda and Stephen Stotch approached him, tears in their eyes. "Eric... we've got some bad news about Butters. And we've decided to tell you first because you were his closest friend..."

"Oh, shit. Are you gonna tell me he's run off with some Jewish whore and abandoned me? The little sonofabitch..."

Stephen and Linda looked at each other, confused. "No, Eric..." Stephen went on, "Butters is dead."

"WHAT?" Cartman screeched. "He can't fucking DIE! He was supposed to keep ME company until I croaked!"

Mitch Conner looked around. "You know what? This... this is awkward, and I'm tired of getting caught in the middle of family drama. Screw you guys, I'm going home." And with that, Mitch ceased to exist on Cartman's hand.

Linda began bawling harder. Stephen put his arm around his wife. "He was stepped on by Mecha-Streisand..."

Stephen didn't get to finish. Cartman ran as fast as he could over to the Diamond-Streisand concert in the town square. He stood strong, pointing at Mecha-Streisand and calling her out.

"Barbra motherfucking Streisand, you crushed my would-be future boyfriend. Fuckin' box me, bitch."

Babs turned to Cartman as the Super Best Friends scattered away. "ABORT MISSION, ABORT MISSION!" Moses whined.

"This has been one of the worst nights of my life. I found out I killed MY OWN FATHER. And to make things worse, HE WAS GINGER! THAT MEANS I'M HALF-GINGER!" Cartman stared up at Babs, livid. "AND NOW YOU'VE KILLED BUTTERS. I WILL FUCKING BEAT YOU, BITCH."

Of course, Cartman didn't get the chance to, because a bolt of divine retribution came down and struck the giant robotic musician. God was tired of her mechanical bullshit. Cartman fell down on his knees. "FUCKIN' PRAISE JESUS! FUCKIN' GET ON YOUR KNEES AND SUCK GOD'S HIPPO-BEAR BALLS!"

Cartman had gone nuts.

The next day, Cartman had decided that death was the only option. He couldn't live in a world without Butters. The only thing was... how the hell would he achieve eternal damnation? He had to commit an unforgivable sin. He didn't want to die in a terribly painful way, he wanted to die doing something he loved.

He decided he'd deprive himself of sleep and spend all his time eating. So for the last time in his earthly life, he pedaled down to the grocery store. He bought out their stock of cheesy poofs and threw in a couple bottles of Midol: caffeine so he wouldn't fall asleep, and painkiller so his stomach wouldn't bother him as he overate.

Cartman settled into his deathbed, food piled up around him like a castle around a king. Meanwhile, all hell was breaking loose.

Butters missed Eric. Butters missed Eric a lot. He wanted Eric to have a life without him... but really, what WAS Butters' life without excitement courtesy of Eric Cartman? It was very boring, and Butters had to tear off his jacket sleeves and cut his pants off at the knees in order to avoid sweating to death. Cartman was always sweaty, though, and Butters liked cuddling him... maybe he'd keep the warmth as a reminder of Eric.

His part of Hell was quite lonely, and there was nothing to do... except for on Sundays. Butters loved the Luaus, and he always felt a connection to Hawaiian things... he was quite curious about talking to Satan. Satan may have been incredibly evil, but he seemed... affable, perhaps, was the word? Butters also knew Satan was gay, and since Butters was bisexual, he figured they had at least one thing in common. He was slightly scared though, namely because Satan was literally the devil. But he wanted to know where Eric was, and if he had to make a deal with the devil, then so be it.

After two days of nothing but eating and eating, Liane was starting to worry about her son. She knew it had been a shock for Eric to find out who his father was, and the death of his best friend wasn't exactly helping his mood. She decided to go check on him.

"M...Mom..." Cartman moaned, glaring up at her from within the pile of empty cheesy poof boxes.

"Eric, honey, do you want to talk?"

"N-no mommy... b-but... I would like some cookies, and a plate of poptarts with hot chocolate mix and butter between them..."

"Oh, okay, hon..." Liane hurried off to make him food. 

Cartman rolled over onto his side, cradling his overstuffed belly. He didn't know how much more he could take before his guts ruptured or something. He wondered if Butters was keeping him in mind. He'd done some douchey things to Butters over the years. In fact, he was afraid Butters didn't love him because of it... maybe Butters didn't even like him. It wasn't like he was nice to Butters or anything. In fact, Cartman was a total asshole to Butters. He was so regretting his pranks now. Self-reflection sure wasn't easy to handle.

"So, Ted, tell me about yourself." Satan said, pouring wine into two crystal goblets and handing one to his new companion.

"Well, I'm just a good country boy, patriotic an' all. I ain't no homo..." Ted replied.

Satan raised an eyebrow and pulled out his large, arousing penis. "Are you sure?"

Five minutes later, Ted Nugent was riding Satan's big red cock. Satan was having some of the best sex he'd had in years, and Ted had discovered he was definitely at least a bit homo.

"You know something, Ted?" Satan whispered as he turned the lights out.

"What is it, Satan?" Ted replied.

"You're a lot better in bed than Saddam and Chris were. In fact, you're the perfect mix of them."

"Aw, wull, thanks..."

"Goodnight, Ted."

"Goodnight, Satan."

Satan and Ted Nugent slept happily that night.

That same night, Butters spent all his time thinking about Eric. What was Eric doing? Where was Eric at? Was Eric thinking of Butters as much as Butters was thinking of Eric? Butters hoped the answer to the last question was yes. He missed Eric so much, even if he was, well, a big asshole sometimes. Hell had grown even more boring, and despite his vague insanity, Eric made life interesting.

Butters thought back on the time they went to the theme park on a school trip. He claimed he didn't want to let go of Eric's hand because Mr. Garrison told him not to, but truthfully he loved the feeling of holding someone's hand. His mom and dad would hold his hand, sure, but Cartman was a lot different. His hands were chubby and squeezable, and his grip wasn't too tight like Stephen's was. Butters just wanted his best friend by his side.

The next morning, Cartman's eyes were completely rung with grey, and he was incredibly tired. Yet he wouldn't have been able to sleep even if he wanted to, because when he closed his eyes, all he saw was Butters. Butters' hair, Butters' smile, Butters' eyes. They really were beautiful, shiny and blue-green. It was comforting, yet so, so upsetting.

Just as Cartman was thinking about the perfect shape of Butters' nose, Liane came to the door. "Eric, your little friends are here to see you..."

Cartman flipped onto his other side. "Go ahead, let 'em in..."

Kenny, Kyle, and Stan filed into his room. They made their way through the food packages strewn about the floor to the side of Cartman's literal deathbed.

Stan cleared his throat. "Cartman... you ok?"

Cartman glared at Stan. "Oh, I'm FIIIIINE, Stan. Just a bit busy DYING is all."

Kyle stepped up to Cartman's bedside. "Cartman... I know this whole thing with your dad is kind of a shock--"

"SHUT UP, KAHL! SHUT THE FUCK UP! THIS ISN'T ABOUT MY DAD! YOU STUPID JEW, THIS IS ABOUT BUTTERS!"

Kyle stared at Cartman. "Butters died, why do you care?"

"BECAUSE I LOVE HIM."

"Oh god, shut the fuck up. This isn't My Immortal, fatass."

Cartman swung his arm up at Kyle and punched him. "OW!"

Kyle grabbed his shoulder, then pulled his arm into position, ready to punch Cartman right back. But then Cartman's eyes started to tear up, and Kyle felt pity for him. "I-I'm sorry, Cartman--"

"FUCK OFF, KAHL! JUST... JUST FUCK OFF! I'M TRYING TO DIE HERE!"

Liane came back in. "Are you boys okay?"

"Get them out of here." Cartman gestured to the other boys.

Stan put his hand on Kyle's back. Kyle and Stan slowly walked out, and Kenny trailed behind, tossing Cartman a bag of cheesy poofs as he left.

Cartman laid expressionless on his back. He missed Butters now more than ever. As his mother set down the tray with more food, Cartman wondered how long it would take him to die. He hadn't slept in three days, and he knew four days without sleep could kill him. He didn't want to live anymore. He wanted Butters.

Cartman was starting to regret so many of his past actions now that he was dying. Every time he was rude to Butters... sure, it was funny as hell, but did Butters know he didn't mean it? And all the times he told Kyle to suck his balls... what if Butters thought he was in love with Kyle? He'd really fucked up, and there was only one thing to do.

When his mom left to go to work that night, he decided to end his life once and for all. Cartman shoved three toaster pastry butter bars in his mouth. Eyes tearing up, he choked, but instead of fighting, he just let it happen. The last view of Earth he ever got was a blurred sight of his purple bedroom walls.

Two hours later, Liane came home to an eerily silent house. "Honey?" she called out, receiving no answer. She walked upstairs and into her son's room, and screamed at what she saw.

Eric Cartman was dead. He wasn't breathing, his heart wasn't beating, his eyes were closed. His wrinkled, stained pajamas cradled his now at-rest body, which was curled up at the end of the bed. Liane wept and grabbed his corpse. She felt so guilty. Why hadn't she been a better mother? Why couldn't she have gotten help when it was convenient? The whole nine years she'd raised her son, she worked so hard... how did she screw up so badly? She should have never done drugs...

Oh well. He was dead, and he'd been a real pain in the ass, so she might as well bury him and do something with her life.

Cartman had died at a less busy time of day, so God appeared nigh-immediately to judge him. "MY CHILD, WHERE DO YOU SUPPOSE YOU'RE HEADED? I am the LORD."

Cartman shrugged. "Probably hell. I mean, I killed myself... killed my dad... I'm half ginger... I fuck up all the time."

God nodded. "I WISH THE SMART ONES GOT INTO HEAVEN MORE OFTEN... I am the LORD."

"I know you're the LORD, okay? You don't have to fucking remind me every ten seconds."

"ERIC THEODORE CARTMAN, DID YOU EVEN READ MY BOOK? I ALWAYS COMPLETE EVERY STATEMENT I MAKE WITH "I AM THE LORD." I am the LORD."

"Oh."

"JUST GO TO HELL... I am the LORD." God shook his head and plunged Cartman into hell.

Cartman wandered around Hell for a little while. He was expecting a lot worse, but after the entrance, it wasn't that bad of a place. He was in a section separated from the rest of Hell with a brick wall. There weren't many others there. Most of his neighbors were old dudes, and they bored Cartman to death.

Until a face Cartman knew damn well appeared one day.

"Damien?"

"Don't wear it out," replied the thick-eyebrowed antichrist as he filed his nails to a point. "So why are you in this hellhole so soon?"

"I ate myself to death after my buttbuddy got stepped on by Barbra Streisand. Did you know she's actually a giant robot?"

Damien stared at Cartman. "I think the heat is getting to you. Let me take you to MY room."

Damien's bedroom was air-conditioned and huge. Two steel doors were at the back of the room. "Here we are. Now you don't have to get so damn sweaty."

"What's behind those doors?"

"It's kinda permanent... you really wanna know?"

"Um, yeah."

Damien shrugged. "Why the hell not? I've always wanted one, anyway..."

Cartman was confused and slightly tired of Damien's puns, but he didn't really have anything better to do, so he followed Damien downstairs.

Blatantly, it was a sex dungeon.

"The FUCK?"

"This is where used to I keep my pet platypus, but it's supposed to be a sex dungeon, so I'll keep you down here until I can find a better use for you."

"I want FOOD!"

"Don't worry, my little gluttonous heathen, there's tons of rats, snakes, and toads down there. Plus, in Hell, you won't starve because you can't lose weight, only gain it. You'll still be fucking fat."

Cartman was going to inform Damien that he was big-boned, but he was too busy trying to jerk out of his handcuffs and spit out the python squirming down his esophagus.

Butters gulped as he walked up the stairs to Satan's penthouse apartment. He needed to at least know where Eric was. Was he still alive? Would Satan know?

Exhaling, Butters rang the doorbell. Satan opened the door and looked down at Butters. "Oh, hello!"

"H-hi, Satan... I'll make this short. Do you know where Eric Cartman is? I saw his name come up on the big 'New Residents' board, but I haven't seen him in person..."

Satan pulled his hellphone out of his loincloth pocket. Hellphones were like regular smartphones, except they were fireproof and all ran Windows 8 as their OS. He typed in Eric's name, then looked back at Butters. "Now, is that 'K-A-R-T-M-A-N' or 'C-A-R-T-M-A-N'?"

"It's with a C."

Satan scrolled through his database. "He's here, but he's missing. We might find him soon, or it might take a while... just sit tight. I know how it is to miss a boyfriend..."

Butters could tell he and Satan were going to be good friends.

Eight years later, Butters and Cartman were still searching for each other, but things had changed a lot. Cartman had become Damien's fleshlight, so to speak. Damien wasn't exactly gentle, either, and Cartman had scars up and down his still-fleshy hips. Butters had grown quite acquainted with Satan, even having weekly tea parties with him.

One night, Satan was in bed with Ted when his hellphone rang. Satan picked it up. "Hello?"

"It-it's me, Butters."

Ted leaned over and squinted at Satan. "Who's on the phone?"

"It's Butters. He died on the same day as you, Ted."

"Is he that little blonde kid? Cuz at first I though he was a little girl, and I dun wanted to fuck him."

"Excuse me?" Satan was appalled.

"You heard me. If he was a teenage girl, I'd have grabbed him and stuck it in. I love me some jailbait!"

Satan grabbed Ted by the collar and with one blow to the face, punched his lights out. He had no other choice. To think he'd been dating a total sick-fuck for so long...

Ted deserved the worst punishment in the world. Satan tossed him in a coffin and dragged him to Damien's apartment.

"Son..." he said, rapping on the door, "I need to throw someone into your inescapable sex dungeon."

Damien opened the door. "Sorry dad, there's already someone in there..."

"Who?"

"His name is Eric Cartman."

Satan stopped in his tracks. Eric Cartman... he was the boy Butters had been searching for since his death. He was the one who had gone missing for the longest time in the history of Hell. He let Damien hold up Ted Nugent's coffin, and he trotted down into the sex dungeon to retrieve Butters' soulmate.

"Eric Cartman?"

Cartman turned towards Satan, spitting out a rat. "Well shit, I guess it's time to meet the parents..."

"No, no." Satan said. "Butters Stotch has been looking for you for eight and a half years."

"Your son has been ass-fucking me with no lube for eight and a half years, and you're telling me now that the guy I tried to pretend was behind me has been LOOKING FOR ME THE WHOLE TIME?"

"Yes-wait, what? Damien..."

Damien hung his head. "I was horny, okay?"

"Damien, you are grounded for a week."

Damien stalked off as Satan went over and undid the handcuffs that had been restraining Cartman for so long. Cartman was still incredibly gay, in love with Butters, and shaped like a pear, but things had changed. He was older, more aware of the world. He was mature. His dick was somewhat bigger.

"Now, Butters has told me all about you, and you've both grown into quite handsome young men." Satan mused, flipping through his selfies until he found one of himself having a tea party with Butters.

Cartman stared at Butters' wispy beard. It was fuckin' sexy...

"Will you take me to him?"

Cartman and Butters' reunion was a bit tearful, out of pure happiness. They had missed each other so much. And finally, Cartman was in Butters' arms. They were quite happy, but Satan wasn't.

"I spent so much money planning my wedding with Ted, and it turns out he's a sick pedophile."

Cartman and Butters looked at each other. "Would you be willing..." Cartman began, "to marry ANOTHER couple in place of Ted and yourself?"

Satan stopped crying. "Would you two like to get married?"

"Could we?"

Satan wiped his tears. "Honestly, I couldn't dream of a better couple than you two. You're both seventeen now, so you can get married in hell. Why not?"

"How much work would it be?"

"Just pick a flower girl, a ring bearer, and an officiant, and you're good to go."

The next Wednesday, Michael Jackson pranced down the aisle, tossing flowers about. Cartman, wearing a custom-tailored dress, walked upon the petals, and embraced Butters when he finally made it up in front of Billy Mays.

"Hi, Billy Mays here officiating the union of Eric Cartman and Butters Stotch! Leopold Butters Stotch, do you take Eric Theodore Cartman as your fruity life partner and best friend?"

"I do." Butters answered, gazing homosexually into Cartman's eyes.

"And do you, Eric Theodore Cartman, take Leopold Butters Stotch as your fruity life partner and best friend?"

"Fuck yeah!" Cartman yelled, pumping his fist in the air. His armpit hair stuck out from the dress, and his upper arms were so flabby, a tidal wave rushed over them. And Butters loved him anyway.

"You may kiss the other groom."

Cartman and Butters shared a slobbery tongue kiss.

~~~~epilogue~~~~

Eric Cartman and Butters Stotch were very happy together. They adopted two baby demons and had a really fucking happy family.


End file.
